I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
