I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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