My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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