I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
