Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
