FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
