Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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