im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize