I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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