i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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