Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
