I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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