I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
