So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
