I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
