just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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