Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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