I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
