Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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