Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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