you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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