apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
