was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
