i was born a porn star she said
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
