you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just got carded by a ten year old.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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