We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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