On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
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