yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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