either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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