She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
