Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
