whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You are the jesus of drinking
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