I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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