So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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