Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
