If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
