if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My vagina just clenched in fear
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
