i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
