Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
