one might say we're banned from that church
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
