I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
