Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize