Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
