you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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