as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
