Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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