I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
