I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
