He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
