we have officially lost it.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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