I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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