All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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