did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize