he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
