Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
