The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
