Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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