I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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