My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
