Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
