Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
