Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
