Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
